ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles