When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
🤣🤣🤣
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears