every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
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This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls