no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”