“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.