Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!