I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
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i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.