WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
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God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me too, bag. Me too….
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.