Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.