doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
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You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT