Missionary, so we can keep arguing
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“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree