Missionary, so we can keep arguing
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1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Yeah I do yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world