NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Twitter remains undefeated
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
my proudest tweet
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.