My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
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If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early