“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
*limbos away from your hug*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD