I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
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I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans