At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.