[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
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Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
The Birdles
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.