“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
You Might Also Like
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
sensitive skin
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid