*performs CPR on the turkey*
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5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom