Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation