As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
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President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this