Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
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Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.