You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
You Might Also Like
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.