I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
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GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have