Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
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Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.