I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
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me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Bro what is this
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Bill is short for Billiam
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute