Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Every BBC series about the universe.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.