me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
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“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs