got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby