most whales are bigger than a strawberry
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.