kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
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What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Damn he played himself
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.