Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”