I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
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Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*