My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.