[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
You Might Also Like
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Born to be mild.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.