i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
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5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”