The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My current situation
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?