Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
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In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
had to make it
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light