Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?