GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
no one ever comes back
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.