Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
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Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.