*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
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I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …