[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.