Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.