My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.