[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
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I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My work here is done