Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
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Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
This could be us but you eatin’