Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it