Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
You Might Also Like
But I really needed water water water
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.