i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space